A day in the life of a System

 The journey between the negative and the positive isn't linear. The healing journey is like a roller coaster. Twists, turns, loops, switchbacks, this journey is full of them. I despise the phrases like: "It happened so long ago.", "Aren't you over it yet?" and "It's time to move on." These phrases are ignorant in nature. An event can happen years ago but when someone has a panic attack or a flashback, to that person, the event is recent. That trauma happened just then. That pain is still relevant. In some cases, that pain will ALWAYS be relevant. Healing isn't linear. 

 Hey everyone. (Or rather, anyone that reads this.) It's been a bit since I made my first post and a lot has happened since. Flash backs, C-PTSD, panic attacks... no one tells you how debilitating those things are. Doctors prescribe medications. Therapists tell you all you need is coping mechanisms and to talk about it. Friends are sorry for you. Your family says to get over it. Even people who have been through similar traumas or experience similar problems... no one says how hard it is.. Or maybe they do. Maybe it's been said for so long that no one bothers to listen anymore. No one bothers to care because it's like beating a dead horse. How many times can someone scream: "HEY, THIS HURTS!!" before people stop listening to it. DID isn't something I asked for. It isn't something I want to have to deal with. It isn't something I wished for. DID is hell. DID is terrifying. DID is complicated and frustrating and painful. DID is not something I would wish...

      Hi. My name is Layla. I am almost 26 years old. You don't know me and maybe you don't want to know me. And that's okay. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. This is not a fun disorder. This is not a choice and there is no cure. I can't change how I am... no matter how much I wish I could. I am pan-sexual and poly-amorous. Up until recently, I was in a poly-amorous relationship with 2 men. My husband and my boyfriend. We will call my husband Chet and my boyfriend Mitch for anonymity's sake.     Recently, I went through a nasty break-up with Mitch. It didn't start out nasty but it quickly got there.. we split because of our mental health needs. Everything was going well. But then he got his feelings hurt. He started using my trauma and mental health against me and started badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. So I decided that I was going to start blogging. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for validation. This blog won't be fo...